I know I am not unique in having my heart broken. I know every person who has ever loved has been hurt and disappointed in some way while in a relationship. I also know no one wants to be alone, and yet my most recent break-up has made me realize that being alone is a far better and far healthier choice than settling for anything less than I’m worth.  And I’m worth a lot.

Although the idea of growing old and raising four children by myself literally haunts me and keeps me awake at night, it was this most recent relationship loss that has made me realize just how co-dependent and self-sabotaging  I have been. It’s shameful to think back on the damage I have caused myself and others.  I no longer want to be the person I am and I don’t want to be the person I have been.

I didn’t really understand what it meant to hit rock bottom until recently. Losing my job was tough. Losing faith and trust in someone who promised me unconditional love and then betrayed me was worse. But losing my sense of self and then recognizing that I have been the primary cause for most of my personal hardships and relationship misery has been almost too much to bear.  However, despite the obstacles I have faced and despite this revelation about myself, I have experienced miracles too, and that is what gives me hope.

I know God is with me. I know He can turn my despair and brokenness into blessings. Because of that, I have made a commitment to God and to myself to change who I am for the better. I want to be healthy. I want to save my children from repeating my history before it’s too late. I want to experience love the way it is intended—from a pure heart and in a pure way. I don’t mean to imply that I become perfect or that love becomes perfect. I just mean that the way I give and receive love will come from a genuine and sincere heart with genuine and sincere motivation behind it.

I know recovery and healing doesn’t happen overnight. I acknowledge and accept that I’ll have setbacks. But I believe in me and I know those setbacks will be met with victories—even if they’re small. Admittedly, I am a broken mess, but I am also beautiful and I deserve to love and be loved. So as of tonight, I am challenging myself to get my life back on track. In six months I want to be a new me. Maybe that’s too soon, but I hope you will walk with me on this journey anyway and discover who I become on the other side.