About this time last Saturday morning, my doorbell rang. I was on the phone with a dear friend making plans for the evening. Believing it to be the little boy down the street, I skipped over to the door happy to answer it.  When I realized who was standing there, I nearly fell down my front steps. Needless to say, it wasn’t the little boy down the street.

Suddenly, I had that “WTF, is this really happening” feeling in the pit of my stomach. All kinds of thoughts began to buzz around in my brain.  “How did you get my address?”  “Wow, you have some scrote showing up here unannounced.” “Play nice Laurie, this doesn’t need to become an episode of Cops.” 

Despite all of that, I heard myself say,”Hi, how are you?” I could barely tell if the words I was speaking were real or in my head. But finally the haze in my brain cleared and reality came back into focus. There she stood, my ex’s ex. Only now, she is his current love interest. 

It’s funny how when life starts to really suck, people resort to anything. At one point in time he had considered this woman, and I quote, “A crazy psycho bitch who breathes out her nose with such force that it whistles.”  He said her loud breathing drove him nuts. So as she was making small talk on my front porch I kept thinking, “So did you have corrective surgery on your nose? Or is shacking up with a crazy whistle-breather better than being alone?” 

By that point, she had been standing in my doorway for about ten minutes. We had exhausted all of the common niceties and her presence was wearing thin.  She had come to deliver some gifts he had made for the kids.  Wasn’t that so nice of him?  He couldn’t mail them to the kids directly, instead he had to send them to her first. And she, in her infinite wisdom, decided it would be best to hand deliver them.  Yeah right, and I was born in a barn.

Ladies we all know a bitch when we see one and we also know when a bitch is being catty. Well that bitch was in rare form.  She was all smug with smiles and enthusiasm.  I had a life flash and for a second I could envision myself saying all of the insulting things I had conjured up over the years but never actually said. However, being the non-confrontational person that I am, I decided against engaging in a Jerry Springer moment and told her thanks for visiting as she headed toward her car.

As she drove off though, a favorite line from “Joe Dirt” popped into my head, “You wanna fight?  Why don’t you crawl up my ass and fight for air!” And with that, I shook my head in disbelief over what had just transpired and closed the door.