The other night I found myself pondering why it is that many of us as women attract men who are detached, emotionally unavailable, and completely self-interested. For men who may read this, I realize there are two sides to every story, and you may believe you have been victimized as well. You may also hold the opinion that most women are psychotic, emotional basketcases, and you’d be entitled to feel that way.  However for now, the focus of this article is on why women, myself included, attract emotionally detached men.

I strongly believe it is by Divine design that we women often suffer in our relationships with men. I also believe that the only way to find peace within those relationships is to establish self-love first. Only then, will you have the tools to manage yourself within the context of that relationship, and be empowered and able to navigate the many obstacles you will encounter while in it.

When God created Adam and Eve they were innocent and unaware. They had childlike enthusiasm for life and unwavering trust in everything. However, once Eve ate the apple and then gave it to Adam, who ate as well, all was lost. They were no longer innocent and no longer able to return to the life they had before. As punishment, God banished them both from Eden and cursed Adam to a life of back-breaking work only to return to the dust he would toil. For Eve, she was to endure painful child birth. What I find most interesting and telling however, is that God went on to say she would long for Adam’s affections and Adam would “rule over her.”  That last line is what I find most striking and compelling. 

What comes to your mind when you read Adam will “rule over” Eve?  Does it seem like a loving relationship built on respect and mutual adoration?  Not to me. In fact, keep in mind, this was God’s condemnation of Eve and Adam for breaking the rules. Thus, when I read God’s declaration, what lies ahead for Eve seems like an unbalanced and one-sided relationship. Eve will long for her husband and he will rule over her. In other words: “As women, you will yearn for the affections of your male partner, and he will be available to you on his terms, according to his needs. He will remain detached unless he decides he needs you, because you are subservient to him, and therefore, what you need and long for will always be secondary to his own needs.”

So there you have it.

As women, we will always want validation and confirmation that we matter from our male partners, and yet, we will never truly get what we seek from them. That is by design, and it didn’t change in the New Testament. God didn’t perform a “do-over” of Genesis.

So what is the answer?

As a woman who has suffered in relationships myself, I still long for the affections of a man. But how do we end the suffering? My conclusion is to love yourself first. In finding self-love, you won’t need or look to your partner to fill that void within yourself. You will have self-respect and self-appreciation that will endure and sustain you regardless of the complexities and/or deficiencies within your relationship. And, most importantly perhaps, if you seek the adoration, love, and affirmation of God, you will not have the same emptiness you feel when you seek that in your male partner. Your “lover” is sure to disappoint you. It is in his nature. But God won’t disappoint or abandon you. That knowledge, combined with the love you have for yourself, will provide you with the peace and guidance necessary to survive any relationship.

And that brings me to my next question, and my next adventure: “What is, and how do you find self-love?”