I went to a party last night with a friend. Not long after dinner, we stole away from the festivities to catch a glimpse of the basketball scores in the hotel’s bar. Soon after we sat down, a woman—whom my date knew, arrived with some friends. They had all decided to get out for the evening to help each other cope with their recent relationship losses. There they sat, four attractive, fun, and lovely people. Together as a group they were happy, but as individuals, each was deeply hurting.

One of the women started to share her recent loss with me. It had only been three months. She had been engaged and had dated her ex for over two years.  I could feel her despair and the desolation of  her heart and I wanted to help make the hurt go away. All I could do was listen to her story and assure her that I understood. I wanted her to know, if nothing else, that in her sorrow she was not alone. Sharing her pain was a good thing and would eventually release her from the tomb of loneliness. More importantly though, she was surrounded by others who deeply identified with her pain. She wasn’t weird, she wasn’t crazy, and she wasn’t weak, for expressing her sorrow, admitting to having no control over it, and not being able to recover from it right away. We all felt her sadness, and though we couldn’t take it away, collectively we could support one another and become stronger in ourselves. 

When she finished talking, I could tell her outlook had brightened. She looked at me, and with such sincerity, thanked me for understanding. I think it dawned on her right then, that despite the pain of her loss, despite her sadness, despite wishing she could go back in time, she was not alone and she was going to be okay.

I have been reading How to Survive the Loss of a Love, and it captures so simply and succinctly the universal feelings we experience after a loss. The coping strategies are  perfect and are exactly what you need to read and/or hear when you experience such suffering.  I love point 46: Pamper Yourself.

The authors note that “If you have a broken heart, friends expect you to be your cheerful old self, relatives expect you to fulfill all your family obligations and you are expected to show up for work as energetic and efficient as ever. In short, you must deal with a world that does not accept the fact that emotional pain not only hurts, but that it can be debilitating. The solution? Pamper yourself.”

They then list a wide variety of suggestions for pampering yourself, including treating yourself the way your parents did to comfort you as a child. My suggestion: a sleeve of Oreos, an extra-cold glass of milk, and a great movie like Sideways or Wedding Crashers. Silly, fun, and nothing serious!