I have been reading various books as I go through this process of recovery. Many of them express how we must affirm ourselves and treat ourselves with love and that means setting boundaries to ensure we don’t repeat history by engaging in unhealthy behaviors that put us where we are to begin with. 

I have read them all and I get their messages. I don’t want to repeat history any more than those authors want me to. I don’t want to fall back into unhealthy habits. I want to be a healthier, whole person. Yet, just last week I found myself stepping into dangerous territory with work colleagues. I actually was in the middle of a situation when I had what felt like an out-of-body experience. I could see myself doing exactly what I had vowed I wouldn’t do, and then I heard a soft voice whispering in my head: “What are you doing?  Have you learned nothing? You are doing it again.” 

Luckily, that “warning” was enough to shake me back to awareness and I was able to catch myself before I did something really stupid.  I realized though that I am still human. It’s so easy and so natural to do what is not healthy. To stay on track requires true focus, real dedication, and rock-solid vigilance.  Let your guard down for even a second and BAM, you could find yourself right back where you started.

I prayed for God to get me back on track, to forgive me for my near miss, and then I forgave myself, apologized to my friends and let the whole incident go.

But wow, that was close!