So I have prayed to God for months to help me get over my ex. I was doing fine when a mutual work colleague of ours asked me about him. That same day, a group of us from work were getting together for happy hour and I figured what the hell, “call him and see what he’s up to.” For some reason, on that day I was feeling particularly strong and confident in myself and my recovery work. I wasn’t sure if he’d answer the phone or not, but he did.  He was out of town at the time, but we briefly caught up.  He told me about work, his travels, and his kids. I told him about work and my kids as well.  I hung up glad I had called, thankful he had answered, and yet felt unsettled at the same time.

From the outside, the call seemed very innocent—detached and unemotional. From the inside however, I was a wreck.  I tried to keep the entire call in perspective. But after that night, getting him out of my head was even harder than the three-four months of not talking to him had been. 

As I have gone through the recovery process, I have learned many things about myself and that relationship. One paramount realization was that in many ways, I equated my ex with my father. Being older and having the wisdom of a “father figure,” I latched on to him for security and a feeling of safety. When he turned out to be unreliable in that area too, the devastation I felt was indescribable. Once again, I felt undeserving of love and a reliable relationship.  I felt like all my goodness and my attempts to be worthy of love had failed. I was not worth loving. I was not loveable. Something had to be wrong with me because no man seemed to love me the same way I loved him.

Since the phone call that evening, my ex and I have had several other conversations. We both recognize we have a lot of healing left to do, and going into anything full throttle would be a set back, not a step forward. But reconnecting has caused me to obsess about him again. Not about his fidelity or where his loyalties lie, but his safety.  I know it seems weird, and I know it’s irrational. The only thing I can come up with to explain it is that because I had lost him, because he had abandoned me—at least in my mind—and now that he’s back in my life, the fear of “what happens if something happens to him” has reemerged. 

What I seem unable to get my brain to understand is that for nearly four months, we didn’t speak. I coped and I survived. I reached out to others for support and found love and compassion in return. No one let me down or hurt me. I was okay.  So I have to keep reminding myself that I’d be okay again if that were to happen and let it go. I am not ready for a full-on relationship. Rationally, I know that. I know I still need time to fix myself.  I need to accept that talking to him every day may NOT be a good thing or a healthy thing. I need to be okay with an arm’s length friendship for now, and keep my emotions and fears at bay.   I need to get a handle on my fear of abandonment from the possible loss of him again.

Reality is, at this second, I don’t know if my parents are okay. Right now, I have no guarantee my sisters are okay. I have no absolute assurity that in ten seconds I will not drop dead of a heart attack. I know I have no control over what happens to any of us, let alone him. I know obsessing doesn’t give me control. I also know that obsessing is exactly what helped drive him away this last time. 

God, please help me get control over this. Why do I obsess about him and seemingly no one else?

Why the hell is this so hard? 

God, what the hell is wrong with me?