Working through the 12 steps has been an overwhelming experience for me. Events I had long since, and very carefully repressed, have started to resurface and the flood of emotions that have accompanied them has affected me dramatically—both positively and negatively. I never realized how much anger and contempt I harbored toward myself and others until I began working the steps.  Although on the surface I appeared confident, fun-loving, and self-assured, on the inside, I was suffering immensely.  I could not have known how much I was suffering until now.

Thanks to the “process,” I now understand why I was so easily frustrated. Now, I understand the reasons for why I felt so anxious and distracted all the time. I was trying so hard to control my environment and the people in it, in an effort to find some semblance of peace and security. Unfortunately, my behavior never achieved that result. Instead, it made me emotionally unavailable to my kids and others I loved. 

As I went through the exercises of each step, I became consumed by guilt, anger, and regret. Questions filled with hate and personal disgust started invading my head. How could I have caused so many people so much pain? How could I have been so selfish? How could I be such a hypocrite to find fault with and blame others when I have behaved so badly? But in the same vein, how could they abandon and lie to me with such ease? How could I be so weak to allow these events to drag me down into depression and compulsive behaviors? Why was I unable to get a handle on my life?  The questions kept coming and the more I acknowledged them, the more down on myself and others I got. I had nearly convinced myself that I was an awful person—undeserving of happiness and a second chance, as were all of those who have hurt me, when I read something that changed my entire outlook on my past and myself.

My sister bought me Joel Osteen’s book, It’s Your Time, for my birthday. I have been reading it now for weeks and it’s message is extraordinarily positive. It was exactly what I needed as I found myself being bombarded by those questions of negativity. In his chapter called “Living a Resurrected Life,” Osteen explains how Jesus was forced to carry His own cross to His crucifixion and that because He had been so beaten down and so mistreated, He couldn’t carry it the entire way. In fact, Jesus fell down under its weight. The point Osteen was making was that even Jesus, who exemplified perfection, was beyond reproach, and was the epitomy of strength, was overcome by the weight of what He was carrying.  Yet, despite it all, rather than become bitter and angry, He forgave those who had tormented and tortured Him.

For me, that message carried great significance. For me, that message was one of acceptance and validation:  “Of course you broke down Laurie. Of course you fell under the weight of all you have suffered. You are human and even the best of them fall at times. What you have to do is get back up. But most importantly, you can’t let what has happened to you change your character.”

If Jesus’ life teaches us anything it is: When you suffer, whether you’re the cause or it’s caused by others, it’s okay to weep and it’s okay to fall. In fact, those responses are normal and understandable. What you cannot do however, is lose your grace. Forgive others and yourself for the suffering endured and the suffering inflicted. And in so doing, you will ultimately find peace.