I know it has been quite some time since my last post.  For the past few months, I have been up and down emotionally. Some days have been high and others very low.  Since I last wrote, I decided to reach out to my old flame. Why? Because I had lost my best friend and no matter how much I tried to convince myself my life would turn out okay and I was better off without him, I never really believed it. 

I know to some of you that was a terrible idea and a huge setback. I have read and re-read my recovery books and they all sort of say that same thing—rekindling what was once a toxic relationship is not a good idea.  In most cases, I would agree.  However, I know first hand because of my own progress that people are capable of change when they commit to it.  So my thoughts were, if I can change, why is it so beyond the realm of possibility that he could?

In the depths of my heart, I believe our love was real. I believe it was genuine. I don’t believe it was all in my head and that the connection we felt was simply the result of two co-dependents who, because we were both so fucked up, subconciously gravitated toward one another.  Though there is some truth to that theory, I am not willing to discredit that relationship and reduce it to having existed only because of emotional illness.

I am not the same person I was when we parted ways, and neither is he.

I have hoped for so long to have a healthy relationship with him.  I have prayed to love him less, to not love him at all, and to be able to love him openly and honestly at different points in time through all of this.  But what I kept coming back to was the simple fact that I do love him and always will. But I have also recognized that the kind of relationship I have with him is far less important to me than knowing he is in my life.  I have never quite understood how people can just cut each other out and let foolish pride destroy what was once  a great love and a great friendship.

He and I may never be truly together as life partners traditionally are. But I am happy having him in my life at all. I am thankful to have my best friend back. And I pray that our friendship lasts a lifetime.