According to the doctors and authors of Love is a Choice, codependency is defined as “an addiction to people, behaviors, or things.”  They go on to explain that, “Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or the lack of it is central to every aspect of life.”

Codependency affects us all in some way.  In fact the doctors of the Minirth-Meier Clinic contend that millions of Americans across generations suffer from codependency. By design, God made us all dependent on others and desirous for companionship. The difference is, codependents go to extremes in their relationships and that extremism is largely what causes the unmanageabilityof their lives. 

According to the counselors at the Minirth-Meier Clinic, ten basic traits identify a codependent:

• The codependent is driven by one or more compulsions. (For example, addictions to sex, gambling, eating disorders, checking the lights several times before leaving the house).
• The codependent is bound and tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin. (For example, you repeat or mimic compulsive behaviors that existed in your family while growing up).
• The codependent’s self-esteem is very low. (For example, the codependent may believe: “If I just work harder, people will like me”).
• The codependent is certain his or her happiness hinges on others. (For example, a codependent will obsess over what people think of him. “Mary didn’t return my phone call. I must have done something to upset her. I better call back and apologize“).
• The codependent feels inordinately responsible for others. (For example, the codependent may think, “I should have done more to prevent Susie’s argument with Bill“).
• The codependent’s relationship with a significant other or spouse is marred by damaging, unstable lack of balance between dependence and independence. (For example, a codependent may express, “I can’t live without you” one minute, and then say, “I can make it on my own without you” the next).
• The codependent is a master at denial and repression. (For example, a codependent often makes excuses or covers-up for people and incidences of the past).
• The codependent worries about things he or she can’t change and yet, may continue to try to change them. (For example, the codependent may beilieve, “If I had only loved him better, he wouldn’t have had an affair. If I try harder this time, then he’ll stay“).
• The codependent’s life is punctuated by extremes. (For example, the codependent presents a fun-loving personality at work, but rages at home).
• The codependent is continually looking for something that is missing in life. (For example, the codependent may think, “If I could just be financially independent, then I would be happy“).